How To Get Through A Divorce Emotionally

Whether it's the result of a personality clash, adultery or simply falling out of love, divorce can be very hard to deal with.

From how to tell friends and family, to the most effective way to communicate with your ex, you suddenly find yourself with a host of new challenges, often on top of serious heartache.

That's why we asked women who have been through divorce themselves to share their advice. Of course, no two divorces are exactly the same, but in tricky situations, first-hand guidance can often be helpful.

Nicki Rodriguez, founder of Boxed Out PR, is currently going through her second divorce. Zina Arinze was married for 12 years before her divorce, and has since become a divorce coach to help other women through the experience. They both have two children. Here, they share their advice…

1. Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions

Like any major life change, divorce comes with its own complicated emotional stages, including feelings such as shock, grief and anger.

'I went through a plethora of confusing emotions, sometimes all at once' says Zina. 'At first, I was shocked by the deep sadness I felt, especially once I had received the divorce papers from my ex-husband's solicitors.

'I was incredibly unhappy during the marriage, and yet when the divorce process commenced, I went into denial mode' she explains.

Anger also played a part. 'I was angry with myself for mourning "us" even though we hadn't really been an "us" for many years' she says.

Accept that you will feel a range of emotions and which, in all likelihood, will be temporary, if hard to deal with.

2. Don't get bogged down in blaming yourself

While some divorcees can very clearly lay the blame at their ex's door, others become caught up in a whirlwind of self-blame and 'what ifs'.

Zina admits she felt this way, wondering if she 'could have been a better wife' and believing at times that the marriage breakdown was her fault.

In hindsight she was able to recognise this was just one of the stages of her grief. 'I learnt that I needed to cut myself some slack' she explains. 'There is no such thing as a perfect wife and it takes two people to make a marriage work'.

3. Try to break the news to your kids together

'Wherever possible I recommend trying to break the news of the divorce to your kids together' advises Zina. 'Reinforce the message that you both love your children very much and that it is not their fault the marriage is over.'

Although it is very difficult to stop the divorce having any impact on your kids, you can certainly take action to minimise this.

'Never speak badly about the other parent in front of your children' says Nicki. 'Also, try not to let them know of any awkwardness going on. I was 15 when my parents divorced and it was like a warzone – that's not what I wanted my kids to go through'.

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MORE: HOW TO SPEAK TO KIDS ABOUT DIVORCE

4. Don't feel like you owe everyone a full explanation

Most people are nosey by nature, so you will most likely find yourself facing questions about your relationship, and perhaps revealing details about the split that you weren't intending to share.

'With hindsight, I would say apart from telling your immediate family and close friends, only share information on a need-to-know basis' says Zina.

'When asked, "How is your husband", say "Oh we are no longer together, we are divorced, but I believe he is well" or something along those lines - leave the sentence closed and not open ended, perhaps try to skillfully change the subject.

'However, don't be surprised to find that some people, after you give this information, may encourage you to go further "to spill all the gossip".

'If you can resist this temptation, please do, remember you and your divorce are not the next soap opera. Some people may genuinely care and be in shock at the news but many others just want it as news to pass on to someone else adding their flavour to the mix.'

Nicki says taking some time to think through things alone before spreading the news can be a good thing.

'On both occasions, I let the dust settle for a few days and when I was fully sure there was no going back, I told my friends and family about the divorce' says Nicki.

'In my opinion there's nothing worse than continually telling people you are splitting and then getting back together, so wait until you are really sure.'

5. Surround yourself with friends – but not a pity party

Good friends are there for you in times of a need, and a divorce is most definitely one such scenario.

Both Nicki and Zina say they leaned on friends to help them get by during the divorce process.

'When I first got divorced, I spoke to my friends, and that was useful because they listened and shared numerous boxes of tissues with me when I couldn't stop crying' says Zina.

However, she believes it is possible for friends to pander too much to misery. 'They were very supportive and it was wonderful to have them listen, but in some sense I do think I was over-indulged in that I was allowed to spend too long in my pity parties' she says.

She recommends seeking 'personal cheerleaders' – the people who uplift you and help you move forward from your pain.

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6. Focus on facts when you communicate

It's great if you feel able to talk face-to-face with your ex, although you may need to exercise some serious self-control. 'Try not to blow up when a conflict arises – take a step back and think about how to handle it first' advises Nicki.

She also recommends 'refraining from ranting texts or phone calls' which you may regret later on.

Zina endorses written communication to begin with. 'This way you can keep a record of what has been said and messages won't get misconstrued or misunderstood by either party' she says.

'In your email just state the facts of what you want to communicate – for example the dates or a parent's evening or holiday. Rule of thumb: keep communications objective, polite and straight to the point – no tirades or attempts to go down memory lane.

'If you need a response in order to make a decision, put a deadline in the communication.'

MORE: 9 QUESTIONS YOU NEED TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE

7. Don't make kids the messengers

If there are children involved, it's important not to treat them as a means of communication between you and your partner.

'Never question the child on what they have heard when they have been with the other parent' says Nicki.

Zina agrees: 'Whatever you do, don't use your children as homing pigeons to carry messages back and forth with each other.'

8. Be careful with your finances

There can be a temptation, says Zina, to spend big as a way to help you overcome sadness following a divorce, particularly if you have kids.

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'I spent thousands taking my children on exotic holidays because I was over-compensating for the break-up' she says. 'We had lots of fun, but would I do it all over again? No. It was not wise from a financial perspective.'

Whatever your circumstances, Zina recommends conserving finances during the divorce so you are prepared for the adjustment from a two-person to one-person income when its hits.

9. Believe it will get better

If you're going through a difficult divorce, it can be really hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but that old cliché is true – time is a healer.

'Be forgiving and compassionate to yourself, give yourself time to heal and don't isolate yourself' says Zina. 'It does improve over time and you will get through to the other side better and bolder.'

(Images: Getty)

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